11 Jul No – My Sour Nemesis
How can two little letters carry such a powerful punch?
This tiny word wreaks havoc from the very start of life. Establishing irrational and arbitrary limits, boundaries, and rejection as it creates an environment of tension and strife.
Someone else’s stupid rules being pushed upon us as our creativity is brought to an abrupt halt.
No running with scissors. No climbing to the top of that tree. No coloring on the wall. No touching the hot stove. And for goodness sake – no picking your nose in church.
To me, the word no has a taste like one of those sour candies that look like it is coated in sugar and a second later you are trying to remove your tongue from your upper sinus cavity.
As these societal rules are thrust upon us, it is hard to decipher if there is a real threat of harm. As I un-pucker my face and begin to examine the no, many times the danger has passed or was not “real” anyway.
As an adult I find that I am carrying on the familial no pattern.
I open my mouth and my mother’s voice roles right off my tongue (I love you Mom). There is also the snarky tone that represents the frustration I feel when I compulsively begin to ramble off an explanation for my no but inside my head – my father’s voice is reverberating ‘because I said so’ (I love you too Dad).
How can such a small word be so complex?
I have to admit that parenting sometimes brings out the very worst in me. I have more sour moments than I care to admit – even to my therapist.
My daughter is one of the sweetest souls I know and I am so blessed that she acts nothing like me when I was her age (thank God for answered prayers). She is my greatest teacher but we still have those moments – when a ‘because I said so’ kind of no is the best I can do.
Sometimes I get myself into trouble by explaining too much.
The realization that my use of NO to establish boundaries is met with limited success is disturbing at best. Why do I have such a hard time putting this minute word into action? Do I really mean it when I say no? Is there some ambiguous non-verbal signal that I emit like a flashing neon sign over my head that reads – IT IS OKAY, DO IT ANYWAY?
Those that share the zodiac sign of Libra will understand my next statement all too well.
There is always a way to find a yes. We like balance and a peaceful existence.
Therefore, we often offer an award winning, theatrical yes when what we really meant was a hell no.
We instinctively turn to other Librans when we need to be assured that we will receive a yes, especially in times of a certain no from others.
As an adult I find that every no I receive is delivered on the same super highway of every previous no.
It is like eating the entire bag of sour candy, one right after the other without time to un-pucker. Why does no hit me so hard?
I discovered this past Sunday that I am storing a lifetime of No in my left hip and sacrum area. As I began to work through my intense aversion to being told no, by anyone for any reason, my low back and hip started to ache.
By Sunday evening, a visit to the local emergency room for medication was the only thing that was going to offer relief. Tears streamed down my cheeks as the attending physician’s assistant reviewed my chart from 2009 – I was instantly transported back to a time when I was at an all-time low.
I heard the words surgery, injection, morphine, steroids…all the vocabulary that I left behind was attacking me again. Feeling hopeless and overwhelmed from my hours of rolling on the floor, practicing EFT, Reiki and Hypnosis; I succumbed to the notion that I had to accept the medication.
Another wave of no rolled through my head.
No you are not healed, no you have not overcome this – you failed!
As long as I lay perfectly still, the pain was tolerable. But, if I breathed too deeply, the pain crashed over me like a 15-foot wave.
As the morphine began to kick in, I felt a shift in the NO.
No, I am not back where I was six years ago. No, I don’t have to do ‘that’ again.
Everyday, in every way, I am getting better and better. I have wisdom and tools this time that I did not have before. I am strong enough to accept the help of pharmaceuticals while I continue with my regiment of complementary modalities.
Yes, a medicated holistic state can work together to achieve greater results. I invite the support from all directions so that I may heal all levels of this pain thoroughly and quickly.
I will continue to explore the emotional response to this tiny word. I will not turn my back to this crushing wave. I will meet the energy of no with an intense curiosity as I release the physical pain from my low back, one day at a time.
As I search for the truth about no, I set my intention to appreciate this pesky two letter puckering nemesis. Is it possible that I receive guidance in such a simple form but am just too stubborn to accept it? Why do I strive so desperately for yes?
Tuesday, my dear friend and fellow Reiki Master, Theresa, was kind enough to facilitate a healing session for me. While the Biomat radiated 104 degrees of full body far infrared thermo-therapy, she turned the Reiki healing up on high.
During the session I discovered that a self-hypnosis visualization of a water vortex beginning at the crown chakra, flushing through my body and out the souls of my feet was working well. The speed of the vortex varied as did the intensity and depth to which the swirling water cleared my subtle, emotional and physical body.
Like the water being released from the bath tub, all that I released was carried away to be transmuted back into pure energy – free of my perception that created the pain.
If pain is haunting you, join me on July 15th at the Beyond Chronic Pain: An Invitation to Heal meeting to learn more about the vortex visualization and how we can use these types of techniques to help manage life’s intense moments.
Blessings for all the very best –