Some days it is all I can do to tame the urge to scream, other days, there is no struggle – it just rolls out. Today the tiger was neurotically pacing inside the cage of my being. I can only surmise that this behavior was promoted by the recent curiosity surrounding dispassion.
This morning my passion flared as I searched, yet again, for the hairbrush that is ‘always’ laying on the bathroom vanity.
I just wanted to blow dry my hair and move through the morning routine. By 6:52am I was certain that a ninja must have made off with the brush in the dark of the night. In yet another proud parenting moment, I burst into my daughter’s room demanding that she produce the treasured brush from under the mounds of clothes – “I know it is in here!”.
The reflection in the mirror, as the backup brush was deployed to ‘do something’ with this hair, reeked of anger, frustration, irritation – all staring back at me into the depths of my soul. Was I really this upset about a stinking brush?
Breathe….deeper, deeper damn it – I didn’t have all day to process this crap.
With fuming dry hair, a scowled brow and a breath barely reaching the clavicle, I proceed to the kitchen to get this day over with. As I passed by the mirror in the hall, I caught a glimpse of my aura, brown and mucky. The spikey energy looked like porcupine quills that had been filed to a razor sharp edge, prepared for battle. It looked like a fully armed warrior; ready to take on all that the universe could deliver. Bring it on baby – nothing is getting through this defense system.
As I entered the sanctity of the sacred space of suite 3 (my office), the calming residue of love, compassion and empathy that lingered from the day before stroked the brown spikes. I could feel the quills relax as I began the morning routine of self-Reiki. The breath approached the sternum and the belly began to rise and fall.
Breathe, lean in – what was the teaching of the midnight ninja heist?
After a few minutes I began to observe scenes from the movie ‘Life of Pi’ projecting onto my third eye like it was an iMax theater screen. Was the brush a life boat that I was clinging to because of a splintered belief or an antiquated coping skill?
Seriously, how can you get from a hairbrush heist to philosophical epiphany about a tiger, hyena and a butcher in five minutes?
I don’t really know but it happened.
Yes, indeed the brush was a life boat, the inflatable dingy of ‘control’. Yep, I was paddling up stream in the United Spiritual Ship of Control (USSC), where everything has a place, scheduled and predictable. I know, what the heck are am I blabbing about…. Seriously, cling to the raft and float along with me here.
There was some recent ‘shifts’ in my life that set me adrift.
Many small things were not going according to my plan.
Just a few days before I heard myself say out loud “it feels like I sold a piece of my soul to make ‘this’ happen”. That statement was quickly followed with “it feels like I have made a deal with the devil”.
The voyage that started out on the tranquil lake of Divinely Inspired was now pushed against the rocky shores of the Coast of Hell. The ‘uncontrolled’ was not life threatening, but certainly not stable nor sustainable. This is exactly where my over-planning and over-doing is triggered – if I can just dock in the bay of Carefully Planned for a few days, we can tug the USSC out to sea again.
As I look back now through the lens of Pi; I am beginning to see that it was not my spirit that had been auctioned off. Rather, it was The Universe guiding me, despite my best efforts to wash ashore.
The ‘uncontrolled’ shoreline is not the issue; the issue is the level of disbelief in my abilities to ride the waves. I have forty years (ok, closer to fifty) of sailing in this lifetime – why do I doubt that this will turn out any differently.
I survived every storm so far, even the ones that were uncontrolled – every single one of them!
Dispassionate brushing of the tiger’s stripes while looking through the lens of Pi will continue. This will linger until it is no longer needed, and then fade away. No timeline, schedule or plan.
I will allow this to be, I will allow this to be. I will allow this to be….I swear I will allow this to be.
Are you being tossed about in a splintered, worn-out raft like me? Is there passion fueling your angry ship? Are you ready to explore the calm waters of the Divinely Inspired lake?
Join me December 5th and 6th as we spend a weekend touring the sea of possibilities aboard the Reiki ship, right here in Central PA.
Blessings for all the very best.