It has felt like a year of chasing dreams while mounted on a three-legged, one winged Pegasus through a meteor shower. The heaping bowls of crap I have been feeding myself had left me bloated. The rhetoric that was rolling through my head sounded something like this: ‘you can’t do that because you don’t have the money’, ‘this is too hard, you don’t have what it takes’, and ‘you can’t possibly think you are good enough to do that’.
Tickets, Tickets, Please
One small stone on the track and the entire bullshit train would be stalled in Doomstown for weeks. I tried very hard not to let the outside world affect me. But honestly, the constant barrage of deaths, unfathomable remarks from those in leadership roles, and the ridiculous media frenzy of ‘news’ is nearly impossible to buffer against. There was no shortage of blips and snippets to deepen the derailing grooves in the tracks.
The taste of regret lingered in my mouth like that of a Monday morning after a competitive drinking weekend. All of the roads that were left unexplored were being traveled inside my head… What if that choice would have been made instead of this one? I should have seen that coming. What was I thinking would happen?
The stench of rotting unrealized potential wafted through the air as my dreams decomposed beneath my feet. Inside the same day, there could be a registration for the specialized training for the business, which was quickly followed up by applying for full-time employment. One must keep all options open, right?
My old nemesis had quietly snuck into town on the last train and had set up camp in my own front yard. Not Enough is her name and doubt is her game. And this time she brought the whole damn clan. Scattered through the lawn like creepy gnomes, each one offering an insecurity, hesitation, or blatant self-sabotage.
Then I came across this quote: “The amount of energy necessary to refute bullshit is an order of magnitude bigger than to produce it”, by Alberto Brandolini. My first thoughts were focused on the external BS that others try to feed me. But it soon became clear that it was me, ME that was both the producer and the refuter. It was not the outside BS production that was fertilizing the gnome filled lawn, it was ME!
While I continued to re-read Brené Brown’s, Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone, I found a passage that seemed to articulate what my soul was experiencing.
“True belonging is the spiritual practice of believing in and belonging to yourself so deeply that you can share your most authentic self with the world and find sacredness in both being a part of something and standing alone in the wilderness. True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are.”
I had been trying so hard to fit in and belong that I lost myself in the hussel. I had been acquiescing and stifling my true self in an attempt to be part of something; something that can only accept my authentic self. I can be authentic only when I believe that it is safe to be vulnerable. To be vulnerable, I must trust and believe in myself.
So, I am refueling the train with the now sun-dried BS patties and pulling out of Doomstown, waving goodbye to the creepy gnomes as we pass by.
What crap are you producing? Are you ready to explore the wilderness? Do you remember who you really are?
I have found that my training as a Reiki Master Teacher has offered a fountain of inspiration along my personal trek through the wilderness.
If you are ready to explore, check out these classes that could help you reconnect with your truth. Start with Reiki 1 and 2, now being offered in Stroudsburg, Bellefonte, and Lancaster. Open to all that are ready to explore. Offering CEs to massage therapists and nurses. Check out the schedule here.
I have been quiet for several months. It finally feels like I am finding my footing again.
It seems like so many of us have been going through a metamorphosis of sorts. The last few weeks have me wondering…
Does a caterpillar know it has wings?
I will be honest; maybe too honest…I have been hiding from many of my friends and neighbors. The current state of affairs in the world had me feeling very raw. Spending even a few minutes on social media felt like salt in the wound. There were so many polarizing posts and fearful, frightened folks lurking around every corner. The intense shouting, screaming, and fists in the air – nobody listening to the ‘other.’ The sharks always circling, just waiting to interject their next exclamation of protest.
I found myself struggling to get out of bed in the morning and the stench of anger wafting through the air was nauseating. I was not just Oscar the Grouch grumpy; it was full-fledged, ear steaming anger. I was sick of the opposing sides bullying each other to the point of adult temper tantrums. I realized I was slipping through the cracks and being dizzied by the vortex of fear. I find my views fall somewhere between walking the streets with a crocheted pussy on my head, and lawful killing of animals while they sleep. I had, in fact, built my own wall and was turning away ‘refugees’.
I decided that what I could do was focus on me.
I started going to the gym – yes, inside where the equipment is 😉 I visited a new medical professional to look at things from a different angle. I switched up some of the supplements, food choices and went searching for even more personal development tools. And next week, a commitment I have had for the last two years will dissolve. With all these changes, I am hoping that my time inside the chrysalis of 2017 is coming to a close.
Emerging with wet wings that quickly dry and a clear aura are my goals for the next few weeks.
While I gain strength and stamina, I share with you what has been maturing in the Inspired Holistic Wellness cocoon. There are more details on the calendar.
- Medical Reiki ™ Workshop on June 24 and 25 in Bellefonte (Reiki Masters only) – Deposit due April 21st
- I have applied for approval to award nursing continuing education credits for Reiki classes.
- PA State Board of Massage Therapy determined that Reiki CEs will still be honored toward license renewal requirements.
- The next Reiki I and II class is at Sage Continuing Education on June 10 – 12.
- Added Friday evening hours. You can now ease into your weekend. Check out the on-line scheduler.
- Special discount on in-stock products for my loyal followers. 20% off sale extended through April. Just mention “spare change” when you shop.
- Classes are returning to Arlington, VA this fall.
- Office closed May 5 while I tag along on a field trip with my daughter.
- Office closed May 16 – 23 while I travel for training.
- Acupuncture is now being offered on Thursdays in my office. Contact Thomas Jordan at 814-470-7080 directly to schedule your session.
- We are creating an additional office at the Indigo Wren’s Nest Wellness Centre. If you are looking for a quiet place to work or see your holistic focused clients, give me a shout.
- Currently reading “Breaking Free from the Victim Trap” by Diane Zimberoff. Have you read this already? Your thoughts?
Even when things appear to be dormant and crunchy on the outside; there is great change happening.
How are you coping with the changes in your life? Do you retreat inside your own walls?
Best wishes for a delightful spring.
I really tried to be nice, but there was this thing, and then they, and I – well….
I know you are making a list, checking it twice and your going to find out…
I am not always nice. Please, let me explain…
‘Tis the season to give pause and offer a moment or two of retrospection as this year quickly draws to a close. One thing is for certain, these past twelve months have brought forth a steaming pile of change. As I survey the topographical horizon, it can be a challenge to climb high enough to catch a glimpse of January 2016. So I have resorted to Google calendar as my periscope.
On the home front there were piano lessons for a teenager; which have given way to the trumpet and marching band. There was also lots of planning for a collaborative workshop that was squashed by a snow storm. The summer brought about the beginning of my fourth year of focusing mostly full time on my soulpreneur business; in between transporting the trumpeting teen to her first job and the plethora of summer time adventures. As fall began to settle in, the schedule became a bit tighter. As long as everything was on schedule, we kept chugging along. The cooler weather also brought opportunities for me to share Reiki classes in other locations – another amazing blessing! I was also able to attend the Mid-Atlantic Reiki Conference where seeds for 2017 were sewn.
Looking pretty good so far, right?
However, as I begin to traverse the core landscape of 2016, I exhumed some skeletons that might bring into question which list my name may appear. There are a few times when I spoke harshly; well okay more than a few but I truly tried to suffocate the thoughts. More often than not, I kept quiet while others were shouting, that should count for something, right? I so badly wanted to remain on the ‘nice’ list. The aspirations of developing the skill to artfully express my dismay of the vial garbage oozing into the atmosphere are still just that; aspirations. So the best I could do was keep quiet, most of the time.
Santa you know that for us bridge builders, 2016 has been a smoldering tinderbox. The political climate that has been festering, for way too damn long. The back draft of November 8th seems to have fully engulfed my structure. We have all endured the uninformed, antagonistic and blatantly incorrect statements from friends, family and co-workers. I do admit I found a bit of solace in the ‘unfollow’ options offered on social media venues. I have found comfort in the return of erectile dysfunction commercials and squeaky reindeer on television. However, I am left feeling like a day old soiled diaper as I enter into the final weeks of this year.
You see, being nice is really freaking hard sometimes.
I embrace the fact that we all have backstories that color our future. I also believe that no one person or group has the only solution. I want bridges in my life. I want to be able to cross over to the other side, visit awhile, learn a bit and even commiserate for a moment. It is possible that I may become better informed; more well-rounded and develop additional empathy by visiting over there. Yet, returning to home base and being with my tribe is where my soul feels warm and fuzzy.
It is likely that I will not see eye-to-eye with you on which list my name is found. However, I will share my wishes in hopes that my intentions are taken into consideration.
I would like you to deliver:
Respectful, articulate and well informed conversation.
Empathy, a steady and free flowing river that touches every soul.
Health – mental, emotional, spiritual and physical (I like green and purple bows).
Wealth – of courage to be ‘me’. Authentic, genuine, and compassionate with myself and all those I connect with.
World Peace, I know this is a long shot but…thought I would put it out there.
Thank you Santa!
And to all…
As we navigate the on-slot of holiday cheer and move beyond the jingling balls, please remember – I See You. Your light is needed in this world. Let’s continue to build bridges between us and them.
Reiki is a gentle yet powerful Japanese technique that promotes stress reduction and relaxation. If you are like me and need a little help to bring this back into balance, give me a call or go on-line today to schedule a free 15 minute consultation.
We have all heard it before: “Forgiveness is the key to happiness.”
In Luke 23:34 we find the words, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.”
A Course Miracle also invests a great amount of time discussing the importance of forgiveness with statements like, “Forgiveness paints a picture of a world where suffering is over, loss becomes impossible and anger makes no sense. Attack is gone, and madness has an end,” in lesson 249.
Life can be challenging some times. Our bodies can feel dense and our minds quickly become filled with limiting thoughts. Then we add in the never-ending political campaigns and 24/7 ‘news’ being blasted at us, and soon the sensations of being attacked roll through. Like a cold front on a late summer’s day, these conditions are just right for a storm.
For me, there are situations in which ‘right’ is very clear – offering assistance to a wayward animal, lending a helping hand to those feeling overwhelmed, or taking a stance with a bully. However, there many more times when the concept of ‘right’ is very ambiguous. The idea that three lefts do make a right comes to mind here. The most direct route might be to take a right, but if you miss that turn, often times three lefts will also get you where you want to go; it just takes a little longer.
In my teens and early twenties, I seemed to have perfected the art of three-lefts.
I wielded harsh words, acted out, and explored with substances in an effort to numb my experiences. These choices led to some scary incidences and kept my guardian angels on high alert. Anyone that tried to steer me in the right direction was indiscriminately ripped to shreds in the blink of an eye. I would disconnect with these earthly advisers and dive right back into self-sabotage mode.
Today, I still struggle with situations where I have experienced the ‘wrong’ way to navigate life’s challenging moments. I want to spare others by sharing the wisdom gleaned from my ‘wrong’ ways – but, just like me, they are focused on their own right way. A wise man once told me that, “the smartest person is the one that can learn from another’s mistakes.” We can choose to fight for our right or we can decide to support those that are ‘wrong’.
Each time we impose our right on others, it has a weight.
I am working to become aware of my own arguing, defensiveness or feelings of defiant behavior. When the awareness rises I try to pause, breathe and ask myself: Is this right worth the weight? What is the impact of me imposing my right? Is this a safety concern or a chance support the ‘other’ while they find their own right?
As I make my way through the joyful role of parenting, I find that I am trying to share the same things with my daughter that my family tried with me. It takes great effort from me to listen to her words without the taste of disdain and regret from own youth. I will admit that this is exhausting some days. The amazing thing is that she seems to be much more open to the wise man’s ways than I was at her age.
Our rights add up and the weight compounds. Often, by the time we reach forty-something, we find that the burden of this load is more than we can bear. Forgiveness for ourselves and others is a powerful tool. Some of the forgiven rights may be like a grain of sand while others offer such a relief that the body finds a renewed spring in the step.
When my words and actions follow my heart, the right is worth weight for me. Lending a hand to someone is well worth the weight of a arriving at home a few minutes later. Offering a hug, cup of tea and time to chat with a dear friend in a time of need is worth the weight of getting up an hour earlier to finish the tasks that were put on hold. Being kind lightens the load of all the other bullshit in this world.
However, when I feel judgement rise up, notice my hand on the hip, or observe my finger wagging – the weight will be a burden that I do not wish to carry. For me, these are physical indicators that I am imposing my right. Verbally there may be cues like “because I said so” or “it is not up for debate, just do it”. Emotionally I can feel anger percolating in my gut. The practice of awareness is just that…practice. If I can bring focus to these areas, the weight of my right will shift.
How do you discern between ‘my way or the highway?’
When is it appropriate to speak up or walk away? I can’t answer these questions for you. Only you know what is right for you. I encourage you to be brave enough to lean into the possibilities of exploring the load you are carrying? What is the weight of your right for others?
I leave you with this question – Is this right worth the weight?
And when you are ready to try forgiveness, this affirmation may be helpful: I forgive you. I release you. I set you free. Not for you, but for me. This has passed and I am present.
Reiki and hypnosis are great tools to help sort through the weight of right. Are you ready to dig in? Schedule your appointment now. Evening hours are available Tuesday and Thursday.
For years I have said “I have trust issues” and believe me, I do. I suspect that many of you might be nodding your head and saying, me too.
During a recent unexpected opportunity to enter the vulnerability arena I realized, as the tears wet my lashes, that this time the arena was filled to capacity with all the betrayals of a life time. I could feel jeering pulsing through my veins as the rotten tomatoes shattered at my feet.
In the past my defenses would have risen to code red and a right hook would have been quickly follow by a verbal upper cut as the perpetrator was annihilated instantly. I would have stood triumphantly over my adversary with one foot on their chest and a fist raised high as the crowd rose to their feet.
But not this time….
There I was, exiting center stage with my heart in my throat and my head dangling near my knees. There was no fight; the main event was canceled before the bell rang. I had just surrendered to the horrifying pain of fear, lack and not – not pretty enough, not sensual enough, not enough anything.
The spoils go to the victor, so they say.
I clearly was the ‘victor’ many times before. Never back down, never let them see you cry, hold it together and stand your ground; but not this time. There was no opponent, no worthy adversary, only the cold hard truth stabbing me in the chest.
As I escaped behind the steel curtain to lick my wounds, I found myself frozen in the cold February climate. My world was rocked, a 7.2 on the Richter scale.
I began the structural damage assessment…
No blood spurting, no protruding bones, head still attached…I began the usual self-talk – just suck it up, shake it off and move on.
But there I was, at the intersection of trust and instincts, AGAIN. I looked left and right, then again; nothing was coming….nothing. No clear directive, no fight, no argument, nothing except an icey trickle from the left eye that dripped onto my collar.
This was new to me; I usually chose to fight, sometimes flight but I had never frozen before.
There I sat, waiting for God to lift me up or the earth to swallow me whole, either would be just fine with me. I could not move forward, back, left nor right.
As the time passed, it was too late to make my previously scheduled appointment, so I started to drive, free of cognitive thought and calculated direction, pointing the car and aimlessly wondering.
I eventually found myself at the grocery store, seriously!?!
We needed a few things, I might as well do something worthwhile. I pushed the cart over the bumpy tile in the produce isle (why do they have tile there anyway?), as the rattling of the metal cart shook the pears and parsley, my thoughts turned to trust. Why do I struggle with this aspect of life so much?
Somewhere between the deli and dairy I realized that the crux of my challenge was one of self-trust. Many times, okay a lot more than I care to share, I exercised my ego-centered free will.
Despite advice, clear signs and divine intervention, I chose the more difficult path. With the vigor of a gasoline soaked fuse approaching the powder keg, I launched into the checkout before a stray park blew me sky high.
The single digit temperature allowed me plenty of time to stew in my newly unearthed quandary with no concern of spoilage.
Why do we muffle our inner voice and choose the challenging path?
Time and time again, I have betrayed myself. Repeatedly taking sharp right turns when every cell of my soul is screaming “go left” – the ultimate betrayal. How can we make it through life when we turn off our own GPS?
The truth is that when I look back at the situations that knocked me on my ass, they are all flavored with duplicity – I overrode that little voice inside my head. That gut feeling that said ‘this is wrong’.
Dreams, with eyes wide open, that projected what was about to happen; with only a split second to go left. Even the times when I specifically ask for guidance, received a clear sign and then said – meh, what is the worst that can happen?
I openly admit that there are times where I was playing a game of chicken with my guardian angels. Who will flinch first; almost as if to say, I double dog dare you to drag my ass out of this one!
My self-directed course in personal distrust could keep pace with a gazelle out running the lion, though no grace was involved. Time and time again, the distrust was reinforced as I chose to disobey my own GPS.
So, now that I turn my awareness to the internal trust issues, let’s get this party started.
This layer of healing begins right here, right now!
For me, forgiveness is the first step of this dance as I put my left foot forward. I mailed the invitations to Faith, Acceptance, Trust and Gratitude to kick off this FAT GRAT party. I don’t know all the moves yet but I am going to allow my intuition to lead.
I think my angels will enjoy the change of rhythm – maybe a sassy salsa is in order to get things started and work our way towards a waltz.
Do you ever wrestle with trust issues? Who is leading your life’s dance?
We all have our areas of opportunity for improvement.
Are you ready to tackle yours but are looking for the right tools to help?
Check out the events that Inspired Holistic Wellness is offering in the Bellefonte, Arlington/DC, Gettysburg and Lancaster areas and explore how soothing the subtle energy body may help. Click here to learn more.
Blessings for the very best,
We have all heard statements that sound something like this:
“No need for revenge, karma will get ‘em.”
“Karma is a bitch isn’t it?”
Or the one that really catches my attention – “Karma, you know she is coming; you just don’t know when or what she is serving up.”
I will preface this post with the fact that I am neither Hindu nor Buddhist and I seriously doubt that those that I hear slinging these phrases are either.
I recently had the pleasure (insert sarcastic eye roll) of being captivated by an immensely audible political discussion. There was no escaping this debate, nowhere to run or hide while at checkout number 12.
I tried to zone out and go inward to my happy little land of unicorns and fluffy puppies… aaaooohhhmm.
I imagine my facial expression resembled a child that was about to hurl in the middle of biology class. It felt as though my eyes rolled so deeply toward my crown chakra that the optical nerve would be visible. And it felt as though my lips created a noticeable smirk of disgust. Internally I was screaming, “for the love of God, shut up – just stop”. I have had enough of the non-stop election sensationalism that bombards us at every corner.
The two folks in the line behind me continued to share their views and opinions for what seemed like eternity. If it was ever okay to just walk away from a cart full of groceries that was partially loaded onto the checkout belt….this was that occasion.
The last thing I heard shared as I scurried out of the store was “Karma will bite that bastard in the ass, let’s just hope it happens before he gets into the Whitehouse.” This left me and my apples scrambling for cover.
On the way home with my ‘polluted’ produce, I began to ponder – just how does this karmic stuff work?
As I vigorously scrubbed the political scum from the salad fixings, I began to prep the veggies and fruit which included adding the scraps to the compost bin. If you have one of these bins in your kitchen, you can attest to the aromatic and visual stages of the decomposition.
Zipping through my memory bank like the old microfilm catalogs to the Karma Section – I recalled the statements that had karma biting, bitching and showing up for a surprise pot lock – I concluded that the compost bin must be like me.
Hang in there; I am coming back around to the point…..
When our soul has an experience, it is like a fresh deposit in the compost bin; it is recognizable. Events like an argument, a healing hug, a lie or hearty belly-laugh; are like the fresh apple core in the bin. You look in there and know what it is. However, as time progresses and the microorganisms begin to break down the experiences, they morph. Eventually, our plant based waste decomposes thanks to bacteria and fungi, just the same as time and understanding allow our subtle energy bodies to compost our karma.
So as we make our way along our soul’s journey, we encounter death, love, fear, hope, sadness and joy. My theory is that the cosmic light begins to breakdown these experiences into karmic compost that feeds our souls on this journey we know as life allowing wisdom to sprout.
We are here to learn and grow.
Nobody is perfect and nobody is getting out alive – at least not living the way we have come to know while having this human adventure.
Our struggles break down and if we allow, will provide fertile ground for us to flourish. As we sprinkle our karmic compost in the garden of life, my hope for you is that your spirit is fertilized.
May the buds of your soul bloom, sharing the beauty only you can offer to the world.
If you find that you are wielding karma like a medieval flail then let’s chat. Reiki has helped me shift from being karma’s little helper and move in the direction of becoming a gardener, tending to my own blossoms.
Let’s plant a few seeds in karma’s garden and see what blooms this spring.
Blessings for all the very best!