When I was younger I found being steeped in the energy of others was overwhelming.
I could not understand why I was angry in certain situations. Solitude offered respite but the re-entry into the social setting put me into an internal frenzy.
It must be me.
Why can’t I fit it in? How does everyone else manage this? There must be something wrong with me. Everyone else seems to be laughing and having fun. A time out was a good way to regain my composure but I desperately desired to experience joyful laughter.
The bounty of food became a saving grace.
This was a way that we were all participating in the same activity. We could talk, laugh and share our day. Special times with loved ones were treasured moments as we prepared special treats and joined together in even larger groups during holidays.
Food is what brought us together.
The more I ate, the longer I could be part of the group and share in the love. The food created a physical filter that allowed me to feel safe and experience love. When I was having a rough day, I could eat more and the residual patterns of love would surround me like a warm hug.
At some point I began to experiment with other numbing agents that would allow me to not only join the group, but to become interactive and accepted by the pack.
The agents I employed were tricky to navigate.
Just enough and the edge was removed and I could flow through the crowd with ease. However, just a few ounces too much and I became more vulnerable than ever before. But, if I went completely over board, I could enter into a self-induced state of solitude while still among the pack.
I realized that this teetering between the variations of solitude was not sustainable. The side effects were going to kill me by means of a slow internal deterioration or an abrupt external blunt force trauma.
These newly introduced coping skills allowed me to reduce the physical filters but they exposed additional circumstances that were unexpected.
Being noticed was not comfortable and it awakened another set of fears.
I know that may sound a bit ridiculous to some but, I felt safe being in the background and part of the herd. Food quickly came to my rescue and has been a dear friend for many years. Food has offered me comfort and safety when nothing else could.
Everyone has to eat, right? This is how I could be a socially accepted member of society, receiving love and remaining safe. This was it; the extra pounds kept me safe, buffered from the energy of others and kept my anger contained.
No matter what life had to offer, I was always blessed with plenty of food.
There were picnics, buffets, banquets, commemorative outings – all of life’s splendor was celebrated with food. And boy did my tribe know how to party. Family favorites that were staples at every gathering, neighbors with pies, and tables filled with so much love that you had to fill your plate at least twice.
As my journey through this life progresses, my willingness to observe my own behavior continues to expand.
As most do, I started by observing others and exploring many ways to mitigate our earthly travels. There are so many teaching moments along the way that it can feel as if life is pelting us with golf balls sometimes.
Noticing the behavior in others is a brilliant reflection of humanity; that which exists in one exists in us all.
It was once explained to me like this – ‘If you see it, you be it’.
I am grateful to those that allowed me to reflect the possible outcomes if I continued to self-medicate.
With my eyes now a little more open, I am beginning to bring my awareness to my relationship with food. I am so thankful to be at a place in my life where I am able to observe my own behavior, fear, guilt and shame that have melted into this friend I call food.
Bit by bit, I can see the brilliance in my fat strategy. I love that I am able to adapt and cope with all that life has to offer. Being fat was the least harmful solution that I knew at the time. Food kept me alive and allowed me to experience love safely.
I am still learning to love myself and enter into a place of forgiveness.
For now, I am in the space of observation. I choose to allow myself the opportunity to reflect, honor and love myself – just as I am. I am grateful to have a physical body that has managed to carry the necessary layers of safety. I have faith that my spirit will expand just as it should. Maybe I will find that I have new techniques that allow love to be experienced without relying on food as a tool.
I fully believe that our thoughts become our reality.
I find that daily maintenance of my emotional and mental state are helpful. Self-hypnosis is a tremendous tool to implement desired changes.
Here are a few affirmations that I use during my own sessions:
- I am safe and protected in all that I do.
- God’s will is my will, how may I be of Service.
- All the resources required are already available.
- And today I am adding a new one as I chose to express self-love…..Faith – Accept – Trust Gratitude
Please consider allowing yourself a moment to appreciate and honor your journey.
No matter what coping techniques you have used, have faith that this is a stepping stone. May your acceptance of yourself and your resiliency be profound. Trust that your journey is just as it should be. My wish for you is that your FAT Gratitude serves you well along your journey.
No matter where you find yourself, be ‘all there’.
Blessings for all the very best