Have you ever been called a bitch or jackass? Has anyone ever offered the unsolicited observation of your passive/aggressive patterns? Have you ever walked away because the only reaction you could muster would be tears or screams?
Well I have had all of these experiences, many times and sometimes all in the same hour.
My fluctuating behavior has been a mystery to me for some time. Through my twenties I denied the fluctuation as it must have been everyone else’s issues. By my third decade, I could at least acknowledge that the conduct was a wild, free-ranging beast. Now in my mid-forties, I am able to recognize one of the roots – Boundaries!
The gripe I have about boundaries for me is that when I establish them, I instantly feel guilty.
You know – the internal psycho-babble, I have come to know as, the waffle. I establish the borders and then instantly fall into the pit of guilt.
I hear internal phrases like, you should be more flexible. You were too harsh. I am so sorry that I said no, what I really meant was ‘not right now’. Oh that is okay, I don’t mind.
Then the ego pipes up even louder with terms like selfish, mean, unreasonable and unloving. I talk myself right out of what felt genuine and honest in the moment.
Then, my backpack becomes heavy with anger, guilt and resentment. Why is it so hard to say no? My bag is overflowing with resentful yeses. Why do I struggle to implement my boundaries that I know are true to my higher self? Why did I say that it is okay when it really is not? Why does society judge those who honor their boundaries as bitches and jackasses?
EGO – that is the only answer I have.
When I am able to be in the flow of my “standard operating procedures” I feel alive, loving and supportive to me. If I can allow myself to feel this, I have more energy to be loving and kind to others.
If we are all one, doesn’t that mean that we are all better when we operate from our true self? What example am I setting for my daughter? How does anyone else know how to treat me if I can’t trust my own instincts and follow through?
The bottom line is that this passive/aggressive behavior is my proving ground. This is where I explore how I can honor myself and still be kind and loving. Where I am able to embrace my strengths, ask for help when needed and be real.
As a healing facilitator, I am presented with many opportunities to look inward as others bravely heal themselves in my presences. Their reflections allow me a glimpse of that same behavior in me, fear and love. There are days when it would be much easier to say screw this, I am out of here. But there are many more that leave me humbled and grateful.
Learning the art of self-care and honoring my own boundaries is a work in progress, just like it is for so many others.
While I am certain there will be more waffling and many more times that my inner bitch will appear, it is growth. Nobody ever claimed that spiritual awakening was pleasant.
What I do know is that if I can honor the full complexity of the real me; with all the shadow and shiny parts together, my higher self will be joyful.
So, to all my fellow jackasses and bitches out there… breathe deeply, laugh along the way and let your joy shine through.
Blessings for all the very best!