For years I have said “I have trust issues” and believe me, I do. I suspect that many of you might be nodding your head and saying, me too.
During a recent unexpected opportunity to enter the vulnerability arena I realized, as the tears wet my lashes, that this time the arena was filled to capacity with all the betrayals of a life time. I could feel jeering pulsing through my veins as the rotten tomatoes shattered at my feet.
In the past my defenses would have risen to code red and a right hook would have been quickly follow by a verbal upper cut as the perpetrator was annihilated instantly. I would have stood triumphantly over my adversary with one foot on their chest and a fist raised high as the crowd rose to their feet.
But not this time….
There I was, exiting center stage with my heart in my throat and my head dangling near my knees. There was no fight; the main event was canceled before the bell rang. I had just surrendered to the horrifying pain of fear, lack and not – not pretty enough, not sensual enough, not enough anything.
The spoils go to the victor, so they say.
I clearly was the ‘victor’ many times before. Never back down, never let them see you cry, hold it together and stand your ground; but not this time. There was no opponent, no worthy adversary, only the cold hard truth stabbing me in the chest.
As I escaped behind the steel curtain to lick my wounds, I found myself frozen in the cold February climate. My world was rocked, a 7.2 on the Richter scale.
I began the structural damage assessment…
No blood spurting, no protruding bones, head still attached…I began the usual self-talk – just suck it up, shake it off and move on.
But there I was, at the intersection of trust and instincts, AGAIN. I looked left and right, then again; nothing was coming….nothing. No clear directive, no fight, no argument, nothing except an icey trickle from the left eye that dripped onto my collar.
This was new to me; I usually chose to fight, sometimes flight but I had never frozen before.
There I sat, waiting for God to lift me up or the earth to swallow me whole, either would be just fine with me. I could not move forward, back, left nor right.
As the time passed, it was too late to make my previously scheduled appointment, so I started to drive, free of cognitive thought and calculated direction, pointing the car and aimlessly wondering.
I eventually found myself at the grocery store, seriously!?!
We needed a few things, I might as well do something worthwhile. I pushed the cart over the bumpy tile in the produce isle (why do they have tile there anyway?), as the rattling of the metal cart shook the pears and parsley, my thoughts turned to trust. Why do I struggle with this aspect of life so much?
Somewhere between the deli and dairy I realized that the crux of my challenge was one of self-trust. Many times, okay a lot more than I care to share, I exercised my ego-centered free will.
Despite advice, clear signs and divine intervention, I chose the more difficult path. With the vigor of a gasoline soaked fuse approaching the powder keg, I launched into the checkout before a stray park blew me sky high.
The single digit temperature allowed me plenty of time to stew in my newly unearthed quandary with no concern of spoilage.
Why do we muffle our inner voice and choose the challenging path?
Time and time again, I have betrayed myself. Repeatedly taking sharp right turns when every cell of my soul is screaming “go left” – the ultimate betrayal. How can we make it through life when we turn off our own GPS?
The truth is that when I look back at the situations that knocked me on my ass, they are all flavored with duplicity – I overrode that little voice inside my head. That gut feeling that said ‘this is wrong’.
Dreams, with eyes wide open, that projected what was about to happen; with only a split second to go left. Even the times when I specifically ask for guidance, received a clear sign and then said – meh, what is the worst that can happen?
I openly admit that there are times where I was playing a game of chicken with my guardian angels. Who will flinch first; almost as if to say, I double dog dare you to drag my ass out of this one!
My self-directed course in personal distrust could keep pace with a gazelle out running the lion, though no grace was involved. Time and time again, the distrust was reinforced as I chose to disobey my own GPS.
So, now that I turn my awareness to the internal trust issues, let’s get this party started.
This layer of healing begins right here, right now!
For me, forgiveness is the first step of this dance as I put my left foot forward. I mailed the invitations to Faith, Acceptance, Trust and Gratitude to kick off this FAT GRAT party. I don’t know all the moves yet but I am going to allow my intuition to lead.
I think my angels will enjoy the change of rhythm – maybe a sassy salsa is in order to get things started and work our way towards a waltz.
Do you ever wrestle with trust issues? Who is leading your life’s dance?
We all have our areas of opportunity for improvement.
Are you ready to tackle yours but are looking for the right tools to help?
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Blessings for the very best,